that's it for tonight. thanks for watching. >> next up on >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live," with guest host, david spade. tonight, lauren lapkus and music from the avett brothers. and now, here's david spade! >> david: hey, guys, welcome to "jimmy kimmel live," wow, it's me again, david spade, wah, wah. what a ripoff, right? my second night at uncle jimmy's creepy dungeon. so excited to be here. they never even let me leave. this is a big gig for me. if it goes well, i can charge a little extra on my cameo. mee-mop. you actually get a lot of power as a guest host, but it's harder to be a diva in a pandemic. it's not as fun to throw coffee in a pa's face when it bounces off the face shield.

it's tough to host jimmy's show because i'm really his best guest. in the end, who really suffers? you, the american people, right, guillermo? there he is. >> guillermo: that's right! >> david: that's it? hey, by the way, what's going on in that room? a little bleak there, you got a couch and a plant. is that a house or a crate and barrel that went out of business? >> guillermo: look, it's my meditation room. you know? >> david: that's nice, i'm glad you're meditating. i know you're working up to 45 seconds a day on this. all right, thank you, guillermo, it's good to see you. >> guillermo: can you add me on your instagram, mr. spade, please? >> david: you know what, i'll see if i can. i don't know if i'm allowed to. i got to go. it's good to see you, buddy. by the way, speaking of instagram, i got a lot of flak last night. i posted a beautiful picture of myself in the greenroom here, some call selfies stupid, i know, but everyone was saying i

over photo shopped it, and it's horrible filters, which is a total lie. i had someone else do it. i just did a tiny bit, because my face was sunburned. i go, make it not so sunburned. this is what i posted. this isn't a joke. this is what i posted. i know, thirsty, but whatever. and here's what it looked like before. it's not that different. it's the same. and i've seen worse, listen, i've seen that kardashian family tree and every one of those pictures. there's some shenanigans going on there, then whitney cummings has the balls to chirp in about my wardrobe. this is what she says. burn the shirt. a black shirt, that's terrifying you? i googled you, whitney, this is the first thing that came up. i'm sorry. i have a plain black shirt on. harmless. you have season four of "yellow stone" printed on your jumper. more on her later. i'm obligated to tell jokes. i want to make sure i get my

scale. let's get to it. florida police say a woman pummeled her father due to his repeated flatulence. the dad said he was testing her sense of smell to make sure she didn't have covid. i buy it. i think he's being nice. beyonce dropped a music video for "brown skin girl", featuring her daughter blue ivy. this is a tough way to find out i didn't get the part. i'm not auditioning for her anymore. it's always going to blue ivy. a report says the top tik tok stars make as much as $5 million a year. kim kardashian said, i can't believe i could have done a dance video instead of the other video i did and become a millionaire. and it's been announced olivia wilde will direct a video about spider woman, and i'm not even going to finish this joke. i saw a spider yesterday. i'm just going to tell that part.

i saw a spider coming out of my house. we can cut this later. but i was going out of my house, and of course it made this huge web across my whole door, so i walk out, and was, like, boowww. you know how you go into a web and it throws you back because it's so strong. but this spider's right there in my face going, what's up? but it's obviously poisonous, i freak up. i mess up the web, not cool. i want to live, so the next day i go out, but i'm a little scared, because i'm a puss. in real life, i come across as a tough-guy, hard-ass athlete. but in real life, i'm little built of a puss. i don't want to get a spider biting me and me dying. i don't see it, and then it drops in the picture from the top, like crews in michigan like, wooo. so freak out again, run in, get the raid, come back, but i give him a little puff, just a little, like perfume, and then

he's all tucked going like this, but i can see it's getting to him. he's going like that, then he freaks out. he goes up and down the web and starts spewing webs out of his butt. like uncontrollable webbing. and i'm like, and then it's not funny, though. but i think he was bumming out. but then i said, i got to end this. so i go pshhhh. and he's like, guy, i'm dead, you don't have to blow the whole bottle on me. i'm soaking in a thousand times body weight in poison. you think i'm going to pull out of this? you have a little on your finger, you're about to black out, what are you, 140? i know it's hard to believe by looking at me -- we can snip that. i have a lot of friends. articles are even written. clickbait articles are written about the subject. someone sent me this one the other day, 15 celebs david spade

is surprisingly friends with. i'm david spade. i like surprises. so i checked it out. when you read it, you find out, either the author of the article has no idea who i am or no idea what the word "surprisingly" means. number 15 is adam sandler. we've been in 7,000 movies and done a tv show together. if you google david spade plus adam sandler, 1.9 million results. then number 12, chris farley. this is well-documented. the only reason you've ever heard of me is because i was friends with chris farley. moving on to number 11 is chris rock. saturday night live, grownups, grownups 2. 500 dinners. i feel like this whole article is a wasted opportunity. i do have some friendships that are truly surprising. kim jong un. turns out, he's a huge tommy boy fan. he kidnapped me, brought me over for a month-long birthday parade and we've been friends ever since. sometimes we start laughing. we don't even know why. that's him on horseback riding on sacred mt. pikachu.

i think that's the one. i can't see. then mike lindell, the my pillow guy. i was his crack dealer for a little while. as a kid, i was buddies with fidel castro. i was a pretty heavy cigar smoker and super communist back then. i went through that phase. this one might really surprise you. i was tight with a guy who murdered my wife. we hit it off at the trial. most people don't remember i was married. that's because he killed her on the wedding day, but anyway, all water under the bridge. people are always curious about me. i'm fascinating. i even did this thing for google recently, where i answered some of my most commonly-asked questions to set the record straight. let's look at it. why won't david spade's mustache grow in. thanks for asking. when i was 19, i took my girlfriend's birth control accidently. i thought it was a one-a-day

vitamin, and now i can't grow a mustache, and i can't have a baby. thanks for bringing up a sore sub. when was the last time david spade [ bleep ]ed his pants? i can't believe one person on google asked that. let alone a majority to get to the top of the questions. i'm not a real pant [ bleep ]er, but i have a friend who said dude, i [ bleep ]ed my pants last week, and i haven't [ bleep ]ed my pants in a while. so that's at least twice. yeah, once a month. i go, something's wrong, dude. you're not supposed to constantly [ bleep ] your pants over the age of 2. he's like, all the time, dude. what's david spade's next movie? i don't know, you never know. it's whatever sandler turns down. so i just don't know. why is david spade famous? i was in a rock group called hanson in high school. maybe you've heard of it, mm bop, mm bop boop be-bop. exactly.

yes, vader. we have a great show. music from the avett brothers. we'll be right back with my friend lauren lapkus. whoo! ♪ good mormore treatment? we're going to try something different today.

hi! awwww, so pretty. dogs bring out the good in us. pedigree® brings out the good in them. i like big jeans. itty-bitty jeans. ♪ ♪ feelin' trendy y'all, with the straight jeans ♪ showin' off those curves, 'cause you the queen ♪ ♪ everyone go slay in your old navy jeans ♪ welcome to denim america. with fits for the whole fam. only at old navy and oldnavy.com cheddar, jalapeno and sour cream & onion the spicy nacho stack. i wish i could stack pringles but i don't have hands or a mouth to... cool, play my dance playlist. ♪ ♪ there's a flavor stack for everyone... sort of. hi jen! hi. so you're the scientist here. does my aveeno® daily moisturizer really make my dry skin healthier in one day? it's true jen. really?! this prebiotic oat formula moisturizes to help prevent dry skin. impressive! aveeno® healthy. it's our nature. my psoriasis. cosentyx works on all of this. cosentyx treats the multiple symptoms

of psoriatic arthritis to help you look and feel better. don't use if you're allergic to cosentyx. before starting, get checked for tuberculosis. an increased risk of infections and lowered ability to fight them may occur. tell your doctor about an infection or symptoms, if your inflammatory bowel disease symptoms develop or worsen, or if you've had a vaccine or plan to. serious allergic reactions may occur. watch me! learn more at cosentyx.com. i'm going to need you to... never mind. you can't touch this. help! can't touch this. you can't touch this. cheetos popcorn. (peter walsh) people came and they met and they felt comfortable. it's what we did with coogan's.

you felt safe and, if you were safe, you could be joyful. everybody has a coogan's. and almost half those small businesses, they could close if people don't do something. we have to keep our communities together. that's how we get through this. ♪ everybody felt fine. but now im super sick. everyone is sick. i just wish we had been more careful. it would have been easier than this. so wear a mask. do what you can outside. stay six feet apart. because some things you just can't take back. do your part to lower the risk.

♪ if i could, baby i'd ♪ how can i, when you won't take it from me ♪ ♪ you can go your own way ♪ ♪ go your own way your wireless. your rules. only with xfinity mobile. >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you >> david: hey, guys, welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live." i'm david spade. their album, the third gleam is coming out friday. music from the avett brothers is coming up. and she contractually had to make out with me in "the wrong missy." now you can listen to her on her new podcast, second season of "newcomers." please welcome lauren lapkus.

hi. >> hi. >> david: isn't that a sweet intro? >> that was great. >> david: that movie, "the wrong missy." they said 59 million people saw it in the first four weeks. isn't that ridiculous? i don't know who's more shocked, me, you or the american people. it was great. so they all saw you simulate a [ bleep ] me. now that movie, they were pretty tough on you, you were such a good sport, but what are some of the things you had to do to people who haven't seen? >> oh, my gosh, i had to get fish guts thrown in my face. >> david: yes. >> i had to throw up like cold soup over the side of a boat. >> david: sickening. >> i had to go in a spinning machine and go head over feet to get my facial reactions. for when the stunt double fell over the side of a cliff. i had to dunk my head under water in a tub a hundred times.

>> david: yeah. >> i remember a lot of things. >> david: you had to do scenes with rob schnyder. that made me sick. was there something they made you do that you didn't want to do? or refused to do? you did pretty much everything. >> i think i did everything except there was one moment where they wanted my to jump off the dock into the ocean and swim towards the boat. i'm not a good swimmer, so it would have been really deadly possibly. >> david: i saw you hustling down the dock a million takes. i didn't know if you jumped. every day was worse and worse for you. and i was like, i have so many complaints about the movie, and you're like, you're doing nothing, literally nothing. >> you had one day. you had the day where you had to be a mermaid. that was hard for you. >> david: oh, yeah. that did bother me. there were a lot of things, but enough about "missy." that was a great time. they told me you collect miniatures. you didn't tell me that on the set.

>> i didn't bring that up, i didn't get a chance, but i do have my collection right here behind my. >> david: that's why you like me? because i'm miniature? >> i have one i think you would like. this is the mini eggplant. can you see it? >> david: i use that emoji three times a day. >> then very these little guys i collect who are really special. funny angel dolls is what they're called. they all have different heads, i don't know if you can see. >> david: so you saw these one time and you bought one and you keep buying them. >> these my husband and i saw in a little store in japan and we thought they were one in a million thing. and we started seeing them everywhere we went. we made up a rule that you can only buy them if you come across them in the wild. like you come across them in a store. but i went wild and started buying them online during quarantine. >> david: what's your favorite one?

>> this one's special because it's big. >> david: it doesn't even fit in there. is that pikachu? i don't know what that is. i said it in the monologue and said it wrong again. you do a few podcasts. i did one with you, but the one right now is called "newcomers", right? >> i do a podcast with nicole byer, and she nailed it on netflix, that baking show. the first time we watched "star wars" for the first time, we had never seen it. now for the second season we're watching lord of the rings. and every single thing we've had to watch is at least three hours long, and it's really hard. >> david: especially women and you're older and you're not a kid watching "star wars." >> yeah, i'm an older woman. >> david: no, you're older than 11. when you see that, it's horrible, we'll take that out.

>> no, leave it in! >> david: everyone has some big movie everyone talks about that you don't want to say you've never seen it. >> you've never seen "lion king"? >> i'm very educated. i think it's hard to a"star wars" your entire life. >> david: you've seen the old ones and the new ones and the new old ones. >> i've seen the cartoons, the holiday special that george lucas tried to erase, the ewok specials. i've seen everything. >> david: lord of the rings is the one you're doing now. >> yes, we're watching all those movies, and they're all three to four hours long. the biggest complaint is that we're not watching the extended cuts, and they're like, you have to see the fourth hour! >> david: i didn't see lord of

the rings, and i followed that easier than i followed "star wars." >> yeah, it is easier. it's clear. there's like wizards and trolls, there's not as much to keep up with. >> david: do you know what you're going to do next? or you don't know? >> we've had some ideas, but i think we're going to get pushed into doing some other sort of thing like this that we've avoided, like some sort of fantasy thing. there's such a fandom, i think that's why they want us to keep going with this stuff. because the people who love these movies. >> david: oh, they get into it. >> they're obsessed, yeah. >> david: they're called "newcomers." and that's lauren lapkus. i want to thank you for doing missy with me. >> that was the best. >> david: we'll be back with the avett brothers. i'll see you soon. ♪ >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes benz, the live" concert series is presented by mercedes benz, the best or nothing.n engineer. and i'm part ofeam building...

...a powerful 5g experience for america. it's 5g ultra wideband, and it's already available in parts of select cities. like los angeles. and in new york city. and it's rolling out in cities around the country. with massive capacity. it's like an eight-lane highway compared to a two-lane dirt road. 25x faster than today's 4g networks. in fact, it's the fastest 5g in the world. from the network more people rely on. this is 5g built right. only on verizon. tonight, try pure zzzs all night. unlike other sleep aids, our extended release melatonin helps you sleep longer. and longer. zzzquil pure zzzs all night. fall asleep. stay asleep. ♪ top down, the city riding with me ♪ ♪ been through the storm and the gritty ♪ ♪ do it for the mom and pop on every block ♪ ♪ new day, sunshine on every block ♪ ♪ windows open, i'm yelling unity ♪ ♪ side-by-side with my community ♪ ♪ celebrate, let's have a jubilee ♪

♪ it's bigger than you and me ♪ ♪ they've been there for us ♪ ♪ let's be there for them ♪ ♪ they've been there for us ♪ you either love it or you really love it. and introducing a new way to love ranch: tangy restaurant inspired secret sauces. geduring kohl's labor day weekend sale!.. and introducing a new way to love ranch: take $10 off when you spend $25 or more! plus, take an extra 20% off when you shop online - monday only! plus, get $5 kohl's cash for every $25 spent! plus, free store pickup. shop kohl's and kohls.com . . . to put on me about having hiv isn't gonna fit. that's for sure. my name is zach and i'm on biktarvy. biktarvy is a complete, one-pill, once-a-day treatment . . .

. . . used for hiv in certain adults. it's not a cure but with one small . . . . . . pill, biktarvy fights hiv . . . . . . to help you get to and stay undetectable. that's when the amount of virus is so low it cannot be measured by a lab test. serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. rare, life-threatening side effects include a build-up of lactic acid and liver problems. do not take biktarvy if you take dofetilide or rifampin. tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding . . . . . . or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. if you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor. common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. if you're living with hiv . . . . . . keep loving who you are. and ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. . . . keep loving who you are. hi. what's on your mind?in. can you help keep these guys protected online? easy. connect to the xfi gateway. what about wireless data options for the family? you can customize and save. what about internet speeds that can keep up with my gaming?

let's hook you up with the fastest internet from xfinity. and now with our stores reopening, we're putting healthy practices in place. come visit a store today. stop in or book an appointment online at a time that works for you. now that's simple, easy, awesome. ask. shop. discover at your local xfinity store today. >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes benz, the best or nothing. >> david: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live," i'm david spade. you can get their new album "the third gleam" starting this friday. here with the song "victory", the avett brothers. >> one, two, three, four. ♪ ♪ don't write cause i don't think i don't have a need to speak ♪ ♪ i don't see the bright side quite as clear ♪ ♪ accolades and happy days they

don't ever last stories of courage clouded up with fear ♪ ♪ in the broom grass i would lie glimmer in my eye the sun smiled back on me ♪ ♪ from victory i tried to match eternal light with how i live my life ♪ ♪ of course i was forced to retreat from victory i accept defeat ♪ ♪ ♪ waxy green and yellow walls outside my window fall ♪ ♪ covering the light i thought

i'd see ♪ ♪ am i sad or am i sick what's at the root of it do i throw my hands and quit something tells me no ♪ ♪ worries on all sides of my mind ♪ ♪ in silence my darkness ♪ is denied ♪ in the broom grass i would lie glimmer in my eye the sun smiled back on me ♪ ♪ from victory i tried to match eternal light with how i live my life ♪

♪ of course i was forced to retreat from victory i accept defeat ♪ ♪ from victory, i accept defeat ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ cosentyx works on all of this. cosentyx treats the multiple symptoms of psoriatic arthritis to help you look and feel better. don't use if you're allergic to cosentyx. before starting, get checked for tuberculosis. an increased risk of infections and lowered ability to fight them may occur. tell your doctor about an infection or symptoms,

if your inflammatory bowel disease symptoms develop or worsen, or if you've had a vaccine or plan to. serious allergic reactions may occur. watch me! learn more at cosentyx.com.

♪ ♪ only lexus asks questions like these, because we believe the most amazing machines are inspired by you. experience the rewards of our curiosity. which one of you ate all of the flamidad: we won't be mad.? we just want to know the truth. are we really doing this, glenn? i bet we were robbed. it's a cheetos thing. mom: glenn, come on. how did this get here? ♪

♪ >> david: that's all the time we have tonight. no! i'd like that thank lauren lapkus, the avett brothers and the show's absentee father, jimmy kimmel. jason derulo will host tomorrow with guest luke bryant. hey, "nightline's" next! goodnight!

tonight, lovers torn apart by the pandemic. an expectant mother going in to labor alone. her foreign fiance stranded overseas. >> i would have loved to be there are and just hold her hand and talk her through it and give her encouragement. >> travel restrictions forcing the expect ant dad to watch and wait. >> i'm praying that sean can get here and we can be a family. >> plus, long distance longing. couples half a world away, taking extreme measures to reunite. >> you don't know when you will see your partner next after not seeing them in five months. i think you would be ready to do a lot of things you would not do otherwise. >> this is a special edition of "nightline." love, under lockdown. >> good evening, thanks for in